Sunday, January 30, 2011

mummy! oh mummy!!!!!!

Here I am writing my post under the razzest tent ever invented,surrounded by annoying 'relatives'. My jaw hurts from all the fake smiles I've been sharing, and all I can think of is Mummy,Why????

Its hard schooling in Osogbo,but being forced to attend a burial ceremony where everybody present there uses Ayu or Lux bathing soap is just unfair! Damn it! I'm gonna lose it if anybody else calls me 'iyawo wa' or even tries to touch me! I'm sad!

I'm in a pair of jeans,one very big T-shirt and slippers and guess what? I still stole the 'show' when I walked in!

So,on Thursday,Mum called to tell me she was coming to pay me a visit in school. I was in Lagos! (Doing parole ofcourse!). Before i knew what i was saying,i had asked her why and i regretted it immediately. She just said 'ori e fo,she mi o le pay visit without reason ni?. Though i had the plan of returning to school the following day,i didn't envisage leaving as early as 7am,only to get back to school and mum called to tell me she couldn't make it again! I swore! She later called me and said she was coming on Saturday!

Ever since Dad visited me last year,Mum has been feeling short of her roles. She always complains to me how she should have come to say hi to me in school,bla bla bla. The expression on my face each time she tells me is 'ehyah,u didn't come to visit your first daughter and she's spent 5 years in school' but what's in my mind is 'whatever jare Mummy, don't come because there's nothing you are coming to do'.

Its not like Mummy has wahala o. In fact, she's the least wahala-istic person! She doesnt eat fatty food so she just takes boiled yam,boiled palntain and all dem boiled. Unlike Dad who will eat whatever (he ate big smoked fish with amala when he came to visit and just stayed for 3 hours;he slept for 2 hours out of those!). The thing with mum is she ALWAYS complains I'm thin! She says my neck bone looks like d type local dogs eat! I care less (as usual!). Still with my 'uncare', i went to the market,bought soup ingredients and made soup,okro and stuffs so that she won't say its because i don't cook dat I'm thin( the whole idea is to make it look like I'm slim(not thin)because its in my gene). She tasted my stew and said it had too much maggi. For that, i received 30minutes of lecture on how a medical student doesn't know the effect of too much maggi! She later looked up and saw just one cobweb o,she just went to d kitchen,took d broom and removed it for me and came to show me 'how much' cobweb is in my room. I was frustrated because i had cleaned the room the day before because of this! She forced me to cook beans and eat it with milk because,according to her,i was looking pale! And to think she had not spent 4 hours and she's sleeping over!

After we rested (she fed me gists about all those boring coworkers and i had to act amused),she forced me to come to this amala and ewedu parry,where the bottled water served is Jogbo WaterS!! She warned me not to tell anybody I'm a medical student there because we don't know who wants to harm us!

Before I go (she's complaining I'm pressing my phone too much), she saw me wave at some guy in my class drinking beer and I still haven't heard the end of it! Mummy, oh mummy, i love you but when are you going back to your husband's house?? Let it be soon,plssssss!
Yours' sincerely,your very tired and sleepy daughter!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

GUYS,THIS IS FOR YOU....thank me later!!!

I like aprocco and it hasn't gotten me into trouble so far cus I'm good at it! Ring me for tips (i like American English)m
I was in a taxi to school this morning (that's cus my car didn't kick****yimu****),seated between two guys(the type u call wannabes) and i heard d one in nerd glasses say to the other 'girl yen',he said pointing to the other side of the road 'i don straff am before'! Before i knew what was happenin,my head automatically turned to the side and i saw the 'jenifa-like' looking girl! Yours truly didn't forget to give the boy a you-are-a-very-silly-boy look!

Guys,guys,guys,how many times did i call u? This post is not to attack u but help u understand somethings and its all because i love you (**double yimu**). Below are the simple rules-

RULE 1- Except the girl was dead or unconscious, you shall NEVER say 'i slept with that girl' or the deriviatives! I shall now proceed to explain. When two people have coitus,i strongly believe the following happens and i shall include some reasons-
-Both of u get naked...or atleast ur bomboms gets naked in the case of quickie.
-Guys no longer do all the work! Guys did all the work in the days of our parents when the only sex style was missionary and sex was boring! Not that i know of the various new styles present now,but i think (emphasis on 'think') there are styles where the girl does the 'grinding' too eg that style where the girl sits ontop of the guy...YES!!!!!
-Both of u make funny noises...i'ld have loved to use moan but let's face it,most of us don't moan(dictionary meaning-a long,LOW sound),we shout wen d thing has caught us! If ur sleepin with a girl that doesn't at least make a sound,check if she's dead or unconscious,if not,pls kindly visit one of these shops that sell herbal enlargement for ****s! Don't look at me like dat,its just an advice!
-Both of u exchange body fluids including sweat...especially if d venue is a place like my area where we've not had light for the past 4 months! Even if ur AC is on,there are some fluids that are not easily absorbed by air...*wink*
-You cum, she cums! To every rule,there's an exception<-----if you're happy because of this statement,SHAME ON U!!! I strongly advice u to watch kamasutra! If a girl doesn't cum,its d guy's fault and vice versa.
Something in my head keeps screaming 'head',whatever that means,I'll get back to you!
With all the reasons given above,you DID NOT sleep with the girl rather you slept with each other! If you can draw her boobs and ass, chances are she can draw your d!ck 4 times better...especially if it is infinitessimal!
I'm typing on my bb and its not sexy at al, will get back to u guys about the other rules later!
P.S- the write-up is just a silly imagination of the writer....

Saturday, January 1, 2011

I was attracted to the picture on the newspaper the man by the road-side was holding. The picture was catchy, attractive, and sad; it was a picture of a dead man lying in his own pool of blood. Our car had started moving now and i turned my head and squinted to read the bold headline-ELEWEOMO, NURTW BOSS, KILLED IN IBADAN-which seemed to be written in red! The hot tear that fell from my left eye was immediately dried by the dry harmattan air. I was really sad! I bought the newspaper with the #200 squeezed in my jeans pocket and stared at the picture till i got to Bodija market.

I'm writing this piece because the picture above has been stuck in my head. I'm here because I have questions that may never be answered. I'm here because a bomb was detonated in Abuja a day before the New Year and 4 innocent souls were killed and many injured. I'm here because the usual sound of 'knock-outs' and 'bazookas' has been replaced with that of bomb. I'm here because my dad called me at least 10 times before i got to church on New Year eve and he kept warning me not to stand beside or with group of people. I'm here because three bombs have been detonated within the last 8 days of 2011. I'm here because I want to vent, talk, debate, enquire, analyze, speak and listen if they would make me understand man's inhumanity towards man!
Alhaji Abdul Lateef Salako, popularly known as Eleweomo, was murdered in cold blood two days to his 58th birthday and house warming ceremonies! That woman's husband and those children's father was killed by some people that are not and might not be known. He was reported to have gone to a PDP meeting with some hoodlums to disrupt the meeting which was against the candidate he's supporting. The rival candidate's hoodlums over-powered his and they chased him to a nearby primary school and ended his life! When will citizens of Nigeria learn that violence has never and will never solve anything? When will they realise justice is not in their hands?

A bomb was detonated in the country's capital just few hours to New Year. This is sequence to the ones detonated in Jos 3 days earlier. In Jos, 34 people were killed and almost 80 injured! This tragedy affected one of the relaxation centers in Jos- Sauki relaxation center. It was neither detonated close to Aso Rock nor The Governor's House. Rather, it was detonated close to a 'relaxation center' built with unpolished wood; a place where bricklayers were probably unwinding after a long day's work or where that Mallam that sells bread and egg across the road was still pleading with the owner to waiver his debt. Innocent citizens with dreams, hope, aspirations and enthusiasm about the approaching New Year were forced to six feet under! Their families and loved ones were rudely surprised with their deaths and the realisation that they may be next!
In Abuja, 4 people were killed in the 'Mami Market' of Abacha Barracks. People that were probably selling so they would be able to buy what will be needed for the next day. People that if they had known they would be blown to pieces, would have stayed in their houses and stayed hungry! The ones that escaped are scared. The fear of bomb is now the beginning of wisdom in my country!!!!!


I have lived more than two decades in Nigeria and other than making me a citizen of her, she has not been that useful. Despite all these, i see people that survive against all odds every day and think i can do something good for myself and make her better! I study for hours with my candles on and end up going to the examination hall with stinking armpits because water has never run in my pipes! I move around every day tempted to beg from the beggars and hope my left over rice from yesterday is still good! I do not complain, I move on, i focus on my dreams, I work hard. There's no light and water and we are still surviving but when the 'immune system' of our country has been paralyzed, how are we citizens supposed to achieve our dreams against all odds? What is going to be the average life span of a citizen of Nigeria that has already been reduced by preventable diseases like cholera, measles, polio and maternal mortality? Where can i hang out? Do we all need a manual showing us the different types of bomb and titled 'detonating a bomb made easy'? Let's advocate for peace! Let's speak up and one day, we shall be heard! Let's be responsible! Let's settle all grudges by effective communication! Let's be wise! LET'S LIVE AND LET LIVE!!!!