Sunday, January 30, 2011

mummy! oh mummy!!!!!!

Here I am writing my post under the razzest tent ever invented,surrounded by annoying 'relatives'. My jaw hurts from all the fake smiles I've been sharing, and all I can think of is Mummy,Why????

Its hard schooling in Osogbo,but being forced to attend a burial ceremony where everybody present there uses Ayu or Lux bathing soap is just unfair! Damn it! I'm gonna lose it if anybody else calls me 'iyawo wa' or even tries to touch me! I'm sad!

I'm in a pair of jeans,one very big T-shirt and slippers and guess what? I still stole the 'show' when I walked in!

So,on Thursday,Mum called to tell me she was coming to pay me a visit in school. I was in Lagos! (Doing parole ofcourse!). Before i knew what i was saying,i had asked her why and i regretted it immediately. She just said 'ori e fo,she mi o le pay visit without reason ni?. Though i had the plan of returning to school the following day,i didn't envisage leaving as early as 7am,only to get back to school and mum called to tell me she couldn't make it again! I swore! She later called me and said she was coming on Saturday!

Ever since Dad visited me last year,Mum has been feeling short of her roles. She always complains to me how she should have come to say hi to me in school,bla bla bla. The expression on my face each time she tells me is 'ehyah,u didn't come to visit your first daughter and she's spent 5 years in school' but what's in my mind is 'whatever jare Mummy, don't come because there's nothing you are coming to do'.

Its not like Mummy has wahala o. In fact, she's the least wahala-istic person! She doesnt eat fatty food so she just takes boiled yam,boiled palntain and all dem boiled. Unlike Dad who will eat whatever (he ate big smoked fish with amala when he came to visit and just stayed for 3 hours;he slept for 2 hours out of those!). The thing with mum is she ALWAYS complains I'm thin! She says my neck bone looks like d type local dogs eat! I care less (as usual!). Still with my 'uncare', i went to the market,bought soup ingredients and made soup,okro and stuffs so that she won't say its because i don't cook dat I'm thin( the whole idea is to make it look like I'm slim(not thin)because its in my gene). She tasted my stew and said it had too much maggi. For that, i received 30minutes of lecture on how a medical student doesn't know the effect of too much maggi! She later looked up and saw just one cobweb o,she just went to d kitchen,took d broom and removed it for me and came to show me 'how much' cobweb is in my room. I was frustrated because i had cleaned the room the day before because of this! She forced me to cook beans and eat it with milk because,according to her,i was looking pale! And to think she had not spent 4 hours and she's sleeping over!

After we rested (she fed me gists about all those boring coworkers and i had to act amused),she forced me to come to this amala and ewedu parry,where the bottled water served is Jogbo WaterS!! She warned me not to tell anybody I'm a medical student there because we don't know who wants to harm us!

Before I go (she's complaining I'm pressing my phone too much), she saw me wave at some guy in my class drinking beer and I still haven't heard the end of it! Mummy, oh mummy, i love you but when are you going back to your husband's house?? Let it be soon,plssssss!
Yours' sincerely,your very tired and sleepy daughter!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

GUYS,THIS IS FOR YOU....thank me later!!!

I like aprocco and it hasn't gotten me into trouble so far cus I'm good at it! Ring me for tips (i like American English)m
I was in a taxi to school this morning (that's cus my car didn't kick****yimu****),seated between two guys(the type u call wannabes) and i heard d one in nerd glasses say to the other 'girl yen',he said pointing to the other side of the road 'i don straff am before'! Before i knew what was happenin,my head automatically turned to the side and i saw the 'jenifa-like' looking girl! Yours truly didn't forget to give the boy a you-are-a-very-silly-boy look!

Guys,guys,guys,how many times did i call u? This post is not to attack u but help u understand somethings and its all because i love you (**double yimu**). Below are the simple rules-

RULE 1- Except the girl was dead or unconscious, you shall NEVER say 'i slept with that girl' or the deriviatives! I shall now proceed to explain. When two people have coitus,i strongly believe the following happens and i shall include some reasons-
-Both of u get naked...or atleast ur bomboms gets naked in the case of quickie.
-Guys no longer do all the work! Guys did all the work in the days of our parents when the only sex style was missionary and sex was boring! Not that i know of the various new styles present now,but i think (emphasis on 'think') there are styles where the girl does the 'grinding' too eg that style where the girl sits ontop of the guy...YES!!!!!
-Both of u make funny noises...i'ld have loved to use moan but let's face it,most of us don't moan(dictionary meaning-a long,LOW sound),we shout wen d thing has caught us! If ur sleepin with a girl that doesn't at least make a sound,check if she's dead or unconscious,if not,pls kindly visit one of these shops that sell herbal enlargement for ****s! Don't look at me like dat,its just an advice!
-Both of u exchange body fluids including sweat...especially if d venue is a place like my area where we've not had light for the past 4 months! Even if ur AC is on,there are some fluids that are not easily absorbed by air...*wink*
-You cum, she cums! To every rule,there's an exception<-----if you're happy because of this statement,SHAME ON U!!! I strongly advice u to watch kamasutra! If a girl doesn't cum,its d guy's fault and vice versa.
Something in my head keeps screaming 'head',whatever that means,I'll get back to you!
With all the reasons given above,you DID NOT sleep with the girl rather you slept with each other! If you can draw her boobs and ass, chances are she can draw your d!ck 4 times better...especially if it is infinitessimal!
I'm typing on my bb and its not sexy at al, will get back to u guys about the other rules later!
P.S- the write-up is just a silly imagination of the writer....

Saturday, January 1, 2011

I was attracted to the picture on the newspaper the man by the road-side was holding. The picture was catchy, attractive, and sad; it was a picture of a dead man lying in his own pool of blood. Our car had started moving now and i turned my head and squinted to read the bold headline-ELEWEOMO, NURTW BOSS, KILLED IN IBADAN-which seemed to be written in red! The hot tear that fell from my left eye was immediately dried by the dry harmattan air. I was really sad! I bought the newspaper with the #200 squeezed in my jeans pocket and stared at the picture till i got to Bodija market.

I'm writing this piece because the picture above has been stuck in my head. I'm here because I have questions that may never be answered. I'm here because a bomb was detonated in Abuja a day before the New Year and 4 innocent souls were killed and many injured. I'm here because the usual sound of 'knock-outs' and 'bazookas' has been replaced with that of bomb. I'm here because my dad called me at least 10 times before i got to church on New Year eve and he kept warning me not to stand beside or with group of people. I'm here because three bombs have been detonated within the last 8 days of 2011. I'm here because I want to vent, talk, debate, enquire, analyze, speak and listen if they would make me understand man's inhumanity towards man!
Alhaji Abdul Lateef Salako, popularly known as Eleweomo, was murdered in cold blood two days to his 58th birthday and house warming ceremonies! That woman's husband and those children's father was killed by some people that are not and might not be known. He was reported to have gone to a PDP meeting with some hoodlums to disrupt the meeting which was against the candidate he's supporting. The rival candidate's hoodlums over-powered his and they chased him to a nearby primary school and ended his life! When will citizens of Nigeria learn that violence has never and will never solve anything? When will they realise justice is not in their hands?

A bomb was detonated in the country's capital just few hours to New Year. This is sequence to the ones detonated in Jos 3 days earlier. In Jos, 34 people were killed and almost 80 injured! This tragedy affected one of the relaxation centers in Jos- Sauki relaxation center. It was neither detonated close to Aso Rock nor The Governor's House. Rather, it was detonated close to a 'relaxation center' built with unpolished wood; a place where bricklayers were probably unwinding after a long day's work or where that Mallam that sells bread and egg across the road was still pleading with the owner to waiver his debt. Innocent citizens with dreams, hope, aspirations and enthusiasm about the approaching New Year were forced to six feet under! Their families and loved ones were rudely surprised with their deaths and the realisation that they may be next!
In Abuja, 4 people were killed in the 'Mami Market' of Abacha Barracks. People that were probably selling so they would be able to buy what will be needed for the next day. People that if they had known they would be blown to pieces, would have stayed in their houses and stayed hungry! The ones that escaped are scared. The fear of bomb is now the beginning of wisdom in my country!!!!!


I have lived more than two decades in Nigeria and other than making me a citizen of her, she has not been that useful. Despite all these, i see people that survive against all odds every day and think i can do something good for myself and make her better! I study for hours with my candles on and end up going to the examination hall with stinking armpits because water has never run in my pipes! I move around every day tempted to beg from the beggars and hope my left over rice from yesterday is still good! I do not complain, I move on, i focus on my dreams, I work hard. There's no light and water and we are still surviving but when the 'immune system' of our country has been paralyzed, how are we citizens supposed to achieve our dreams against all odds? What is going to be the average life span of a citizen of Nigeria that has already been reduced by preventable diseases like cholera, measles, polio and maternal mortality? Where can i hang out? Do we all need a manual showing us the different types of bomb and titled 'detonating a bomb made easy'? Let's advocate for peace! Let's speak up and one day, we shall be heard! Let's be responsible! Let's settle all grudges by effective communication! Let's be wise! LET'S LIVE AND LET LIVE!!!!  

Saturday, December 25, 2010

The Neighbour

I said in my last post i was gonna write about my neighbour! Thought i would wait till tomorrow before i write it but i just couldnt wait. The woman is like a ghost, but this time its her voice that follows me everywhere because it is a VERY loud one( i even get a headache thinking about her voice!). Ok! To understand this gist very well. i'll briefly describe the anatomy of my house (sorry i cant stop my medical alter ego from coming in once in a while). My house (sorry!my daddy's house) is a 2-in-1 building, the larger being our house and we call it the main building (it deserves the same since we are the owner) and the boysquarter (i will prefer not to call it that though cus not only do no males reside in it, it is not as small as the boys quarter they show in Nigerian movies)! Before i continue< may i add the fact that our neighbour calls her apartment 'main building' too? Yeah, she is that dramatic! Let me quickly add that my room is the closest to their apartment, that is, my room is at the rear end of our house. Anyways, back to my gist...
My neighbour is a married woman with two children- a girl, Rita (that of course is a wrong name, they are Yorubas) and the second child is Kola (i don't even think he'll come up in my gist at all because he is a toddler). She is married (like i didnt mention that earlier...whatever). I don't know about her husband and I don't care!
*sigh* My first issue with the woman the last time i came home (that was my first time of seeing her...i'm a student and i go to school) was her grammatical blunders (i'm getting teary already). Gosh! she can 'tabon' (shoot gun). She doesn't make big mistakes o, silly small ones lke 'why are you go there?', 'Rita, why is your brother cried?' and many more. Yes, i have been  with and heard many people murder English in my life but none has been this close to me! I have been at home for the past 1 week and yours truly has not gotten used to it! The most painful thing is that she beats her 4-year old daughter for making grammatical errors and that brings a question to my mind- what kind of person notices her child's errors and never her's?. Another one is- How is that even possible?. I have asked every member of my family this question and my Mum has told me downright its a stupid question while my two younger sisters, aged 16 and 9, give me the what-stupid-question-are-you-asking-me look!
Another thing is THIS WOMAN SHOUTS!!! I don't know how i can describe her shouting, NO! wait, i got an idea, she SCREAMS!!!! No, scratch that she SCROUTS (screams + shouts). I hope you get it but incase you don't, let me give you one or two illustrations- anytime she is making a  call, i always think the person she's 'scrouting' at is in the next street and the most annoying thing is the person at the other end never seems to hear her because she repeatedly says hello, hello. My sisters and I have concluded she either has an hearing problem or she's deaf in one ear (and that's only because she hears!). We came to this conclusion because we think 'for you to speak to people, you have to hear yourself (literally)' and we buttressed this with the case of the way we shout when we have ear-piece in our ears because we can only hear ourselves when we shout! Well, we asked my mum since she's a nurse and she told us to f**k off (ok! not the 'f' word, she used 'get'). Another illustration is when she laughs, i'll leave the rest to your imagination.
The last reason i find her annoying is the fact that she can't do anything apart from take care of the house, take care of her children and cook. Lemme explain- it's like she is an industrial machine that can't do any other thing than what is/are indicated in its manual. I'm gonna back this up with examples. She can't put on her generator! Its the smallest generator o (the type that you can use for pendant). She will seat in darkness for many days and will not even attempt to put on her generator! My younger sister taught her the 'trick' to putting on a generator twice and that's because she forgot the first time (after she has put it on herself for a week o)! The newest example is the DSTV she just bought *sigh*. Since the installation of this technology in her house, the poor thing has been on CNN. Well, this shouldn't be a problem except my sister told me she over-heard her telling her husband on phone she doesn't understand what they are saying on CNN and can't change it! I was like'what the hell? Didm't it come with a freaking remote control?'. Well, stating the obvious, the breaking news is she cannot operate the remote! Can u imagine? Even if you didn't go to school, press anything, try! I'm sure the remote is still where the technician that fixed the DSTV for her left it! Why on earth did she evn bother buying it?
I say hi to her but try all my best to avoid her. My only consolation is that i will soon go back to school and i will be free from all her drama!

A brief introduction of me!

Hey everyone! Merry xmas(pronounce it christmas pls!).Today is a saturday and christmas! I see evidences of the former but not the latter. I stopped feeling christmas since i realised some years back when my parents' friends stopped giving me money after eating the food I cooked (emphasis on I). I remember one of them that came impromptu and i had to sacrifice my food for him and when he was leaving he called my two younger sisters and handed them 50 naira each. He later came over to me and patted my back saying 'Deola Deola....iwo ti di big girl abi? I swear i didnt smile but i poured water in his shoes! Till today, everybody in my house still thinks my dog did it!
Ok, that story is just by the way. One of my friends suggested i introduce myself and tell people that are going to be reading my blog about me....*drum roll please*. i have a line for y'all I'M HOT and i proudly say that! Before you close this page out of envy, that was just a silly joke (tongue out)! Well, i'm a 5'8', dark and slim girl(i think i;m actually 5'7' but when i see people that are 5'7', they look short and i know i'm taller than them. Call it psyche or whatever, that one inch makes me happy).I am atalkative! Yes, i talk....very well but not a lot! I dont talk to anybody though, we gotta be almost at the same frequency; u shall neither be too intelligent(cus then you're intimidating)  or too dumb (i dont have to explain that,do i?. If you think i have to, then,refer to the latter part of my sentence). I am a medical student but i dont plan to work as a medical doctor (shoot me, kill me, criticise me...i have heard and seen all). I have a lot of things i want to do and i tell people "i didnt choose medicine, medicine chose me". I didnt know i would get more than the cut-off when i filled it in my JAMB form but whatever, i have just a few years left. Lately, i have been keeping more to myself and even go to the extent of lieing to my friends i'm not home most times. Before u judge me and call me a liar,its because i like my freedom. The gists are always interesting when they come along but after the gists is when they will start changing the TV station or whatever movie you are watching, you have to cook for them and listen to some of them bitch about their 'best friends' or whine about their lives(like i'm a shrink or i dont have my problems too) gets tiring for me. I have one best friend though and we're so close people call us lesbians (i'm straighter than the shortest distance between two points!). I am humorous, ilike tall guys, i am sarcastic and my anger doesnt last for more than five minutes (except its about MTN or glo)! I think thats all about me. I'm feisty...i don try abeg!
My next post is about my new neighbour an things....wash out!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 24, 2010

first post......... again!!!!!!!!!!!

ok! i'm very angry now. oops! where are my manners? HI EVERYONE! welcome to my blog! ok back to my issue-i'm very angry cus this is supposed to be my second blog. i opened a blog initially which i named fromferlens but for one reason or the other,these people closed down my blog...and to even think i posted something very interesting there(i;m serious o)! anyways i just created this one and i hope these dinkus will not close it down!i gotta calm down now (breathe in, breathe out)!!!!!!
ok,peeps! a brief introduction of this blog...its purely gonna be a low down of what is on my mind and my opinion about stuffs that are happening to and around me!i;m open to other views and opinions though, its really whats gon keep this blog cool and interesting.
i gotta go before i bore you but i promise you shall all hear from me cus many things have happened to me in this life o! y;all gotta read my subsequent posts about real life experiences from a young lady's view....i cant believe i'm starting to talk too much again! i gotta really go Martin Luther King's voice i say "ok,bye and God bless y'all"